That was my famous dollar store pregnancy test, thus, I did not need it to know I was pregnant, I knew it the minute we conceived. I also knew I was having a boy with 1000% confidence. I told everyone, it’s a boy, I was sure and he looked identical to his father. Hey, the dollar store pregnancy tests coming from China, are very accurate, because I had taken 2 tests to verify and both were accurate.

FORGIVE ME FOR…

Never did I ever, in my 45 years think, wished, dreamed or though I could ever make a life. The desire was never there for me, not sure if it’s because I never knew what having a father was like up till my mother remarried and I gained an amazing father and only then did I learn about the whole marriage structure. Or was it another reason, I can be sure about, but have yet to discuss publicly. Or was it because I took care of my four siblings as if they were mine, the responsibility my mother handed me age 10 was deep, massive and very delicate. I grew up very fast and was my mother’s right hand, even with the live in nannies we had. My mother gave me a massive responsibility of taking care of my first, my little brother, then my three younger sister. At times, I feel, I had four children, my parents allowed me to be the big sister and I always felt like a mother to them anyways. But for so many reasons, I opted to not have children and never in a million years did I come close to desiring my own child.

There was no man out there, that could make me change my mind about having children. I simply knew it was not my choice, my desire or my calling in life. But as the sayings go “never spit up” or “never say never” or “never say I won’t drink from that cup”. Regardless of all saying, only one man in my life successfully changed my mind and brought me to a level of understanding. My fear of making a life was great and for seven months of convincing and me finally deeply thinking and marinating in the possibility, made me say yes to him. This man, y current boyfriend, broke me down on so many levels. I’ve always been a late bloomer and for those seven months, I felt fear, anxiety, the if’s and thought about all every negative scenario possible, but I was deeply in love with man who treated me like gold and till this day, has respected me on many levels.

I gave in and said yes, the relief was there and then finally the trying became more nerve-racking than anything. We got pregnant within 3 months and by the 3rd month during our second sonogram on a Tuesday, we received the harsh news, that the babies heart was not heard and that the measurement where still in the same place. Weeks prior, I did feel in my heart something was wrong, but was hopeful. I felt our connection was lost. Weird but true. My doctor gave us the three choices, we chose to be cleaned out, thus it was a risk, my appointment was for that Friday, but, God has his plans, on Thursday I experienced the most painful cramps of my life, I was bleeding to death from a natural birth to a dead fetus, dying from severe contractions in the ambulance. The pain I endured for approximately 3 hours was a pain I’ve never felt before, it all felt from another planet, the pain was so excrutiating and with no sedatives, I kept begging God to take me away, “please take me away”, the pain was insane and death seemed so much easier and pleasant. The hospital made me wait for over an hour before giving me morphine. After being relived from the excrutiating pain, I walked over to the bathroom where something yanked from from my insides and I cleaned myself, I grabbed something a little heavy. I remember holding my unborn child in toilet paper as I caressed and begged for forgiveness, and told the soul of my baby, that I loved her and to forgive me for not helping her live. In my heart I felt it was a girl and I felt I had failed as a mother. And at that point. , up till the last seconds when I delivered my unborn child in the emergency room’s bathroom, all by myself as I cried from guilt.

I brought my baby to my emergency room, took photos and insisted on showing the baby to our son, but he refused. I showed to the doctors and nurses and was soon taken for tests to make sure no other body parts where inside me, a good 95% of my baby was expelled, thus very little remained inside me, doctors were happy the natural process had taken place and everything else left my body naturally witting two weeks. All this was a testament that perhaps, I should have held my grounds on not making babies. To me the evidence was clear and the most painful experience of my entire life.