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OK, yes I know what you are thinking….  Dah, yeah, we all know how this happened and…..  OK, OK!  All jokes aside.  I never in a million years thought I would have the blessings of giving birth.  I’m not a bad person, it’s just, was imply not part of plans.  WHY?  Well, it’s very simple, I am the oldest out of 5 children, I took care of my siblings like they were my children, I was my mother’s right hand.   So…. watching my siblings 24/7, watching them grow and experiencing the amounts of disrespect towards me, after giving them my life, made me feel, “No Children Thank you”, I love all my siblings and I am very close to some of them.  SOO…. RELAX! That was just one of the reasons.  The other major reason was, the less favorable personal experiences I had, that led me to think, “NO CHILDREN”, I simply did not want to be in situation where I could land less favorable terms.   Another reason, was that I knew if I had a child, I would be passionate about that child and I was simply scared of finding out that there may be another type of deep love out there, that I could get lost in devotion of unconditional love. 

I was in a wonderful relationship for 9 years, we never wanted to get married or have children, we lived a very peaceful life!  I broke up with my ex and decided to live on my own for the first time in my life and thought I would be the party animal I never experienced while living alone… sad to say, I did go on dates, rarely went out and spent almost 2 years alone, I worked with friends and I found myself on many levels.  I was home alone 98% of the time.  Until a lover from the past charmed again and we fell in love again after 10 years.  And no this is not my love story, I’ll save that for a future book story.   For about 7 months straight, he convinced me that we should try to have a child, my family specially one mom my sisters (KRD) and my mother really questioned me often, “When are you going to have a baby?”  The question was always annoying.  But, after 7 months of daily convincing, I agreed with all my nervous energy and freaking out like my world would end.  It was a very weird and foreign concept for me.  

Me, Giselle, pregnant???????????????????  NO WAY!  Even, I could not believe it! 

My journey began at 44 and I finally got pregnant and during our 3 month sonogram, we received the terrible news, that our child’s heartbeat could not be located and that the baby was not growing after our last visit, we were given the very sad news, that our baby had no heartbeat.  That day was extremely sad and difficult for us, we cried and we cried from the schooling news, my doctor was very compassionate about the entire situation, she also gave us the 3 abort options.  A very difficult decision to make when feeling the pain of loss.  The devastation, emotion pain was very real and a pain I will never forget, I feel it like it was today.  My parents had been waiting for us for lunch and when we arrived at my parents with the sad news,  baby in stillbirth, another traumatic experience to add to my arsenal of life experiences.  

The day before my scheduled procedure, I experienced the absolutely most insane pain ever in my life, the crazy pains landed me almost dying in my bathroom.   That day, we were in Trader Joe’s food shopping and I began feeling these weird cramps, and because I was new to all this pregnancy situation,  I was completely clueless.  The blood loss was so out of control, Victor kept hugging and holding me, telling me he had to call the ambulance,  I was trying to yell, why?  He, was trying to save me on every level.   I was naked in my bathroom, bleeding to death and I still did not want to go to hospital, good thing he called.   I was pale, cold, vomiting, bleeding, shivering, crying, screaming, I was surely going to die.  I fell beyond weak, I was slowly loosing my mind and leaving my body.  All I remember was seeing a whole bunch of people in my apartment, people with badges, uniforms, sirens and I thought for sure I was seeing things in a cloud.  Ok, so the fire department, police department, ambulance and all I could tell Victor is why are they here and why are they wearing shoes inside my apartment?  And all I remember is the ambulance lady asking Victor to dress me up and let’s try to put her on the stretcher, in the ambulance all I remember was being asked if I was wiling to get blood transfusion and I said yes, if it will save me and that I am going to die.   When, we arrived at the hospital, my cramps went to another level of pain, where I knew I was going to die from the craziest pains in my life, I did not know what was going on, but for an hour the hospital did not give me pain medicine and all I can remember was screaming off the top of my lungs, it was the first time I really asked GOD to please, begging him please GOD take me now, please, please please.   Actually, I was desperately begging God to end my life and I told Victor, tell my family I love them and you take care, I love you.     I kept yelling at the nurses, doctors, telling them “I know you want me dead!!!!!  You are not saving me right now!!!!  And finally, after an hour I get morphine and within a minute I fell the greatest relief of my life, the pain left my body in seconds, I was like what happened???? I was laughing with Victor, he was looking at me like I can’t explain, maybe wondering if I crazy, I don’t know. But, I though I went to war and went to heaven, I asked if I was really alive, and asked the doctors what happened, everything seemed so weird, like far from reality and like in another realm of life, but, I seemed to be alive.   The doctors came in and told me I experiencing natural labor and to relax and try to push the dead fetus out.  “WHAT????  That was labor?”  I looked at Victor and said, God, doe not want me have a child and I don’t ever want a child, I will not be having a baby, I don’t want to be pregnant.  Do not ask me again.  

After about 40 minutes, I felt this crazy peeing sensation, went to the bathroom and dropped my deceased 3 month child, I can see it’s cartilage, I cried, I apologized several times to my little child, held it in hands, cried, and said I love you wherever you always, rest in peace and I have never felt so guilty in my life.   I sadness that shall never leave my body.  I wrapped my child in a napkin, brought to my emergency room.  Doctors came in, told me they checked all my tests and sadly prepared me to perform an abortion, but I said look, I feel a little better and this is what came out in the bathroom just now and when I showed them, they were so happy to see my dead fetus and said, we are happy because, we no longer have to perform that abortion, you have aborted naturally and when they checked me out, 90% of the fetus was out, just a few little bits left.  

The sadness, the excruciating pain, God took me places I never knew existed at the same time he had blessed me with pregnancy preparation at 44, he had blessed me with pain so I can understand, blessed with loss so I can prepare and understand and blessed me with so many other gifts, he blessed me with closure and ability to meet my unborn child, that was all a blessing.   Today, I understood, the timing was not good for us to have that child and I also understand that God was protecting me and blessing me.  

Seven months later, Victor asked me if we can try again, I said “I don’t know if it’s in my life to do this”,  I consulted with my mother first, then my sister KRD and finally my doctor, all blessed me and my doctor was more than confident I was super healthy, strong, safe and ready to go.  I went back to Victor and told him yes, but that if I lost this child again, I could not handle the emotional and physical pains, he said OK, let’s try. I said, OK, may God perform a miracle, I told Victor, I will not be thinking about this or trying like last time, let it happen naturally.  So,  I got pregnant within about 2 weeks.  

I share that story, to put in perspective the unconditional love and appreciation I have for my son and how giving birth and having a child is both a miracle and blessing.